Being a dom is undeniably fun. You get to watch your sub perform for you, working feverishly to fulfill your desires. With the added bonus of punishing him/her if they fail to please you.
Nonetheless, this comes with extra responsibilities that should not be neglected. It is why many doms liken their position to that of working for the sub. They are ultimately responsible for their sub’s safety and pleasure.
Boring responsibilities first, then fun
1. Know your sub
Bdsm is an area of imprecise science. We may know how to tie a crotch rope, but how tight should we tie them? A sub loves to be spanked, but how much is too much? A sub may not call out their safeword in their passion to serve.
Hence, it is essential that a dom know their sub well. Luckily, as long term couples, this wasn’t much of a problem for Jane and I. We didn’t even get into anything kinky until 3 months into the relationship.
But some dom-sub relationships are mostly in the online realm, eg. on Fetlife. Online play is easier, but one should be careful when transiting to physical play. How a sub perform online can be quite different from real life.
Any initial session should not be about kinks or finding the limits. Start slow, ramp it up over time with a view towards the long run.
Beforehand, treat the conversations more like date conversations and less like phone sex. Knowing someone more intimately will help you think of more intimate scenes too! A sub with a strong sense of pride will be more humiliated by going out under-dressed, or the slightest possibility of being spanked in public.
2. Set the mood
Subs have their libido, mood and stress too. Unless you have a 24/7 lifestyle or fwb, it is impossible for a sub to be in the mood every single time.
While some bdsm play involves the reluctance of the sub, seeing a sub horny and craving is a larger arousal, like hearing the roar of an unstoppable machine.
In our case, we strive to set the mood from the morning. I favour sex-riddled messages throughout the day. Flirty words, teases and dirty fantasies are as powerful as physical strokes. By lunch, she is itching. By night, she is dying to get home.
Perhaps more than sex, romance is the strongest aphrodisiac. To mix things up, I might keep messages romantic but clean. Funnily enough, they work just as well or better in stimulating her desires.
3. Set the scene
Setting the scene in the sense of creating a sexually-charged atmosphere for the sub to immerse in. Lay out the ropes, a blindfold or that magic wand if it’s a session.
We like to roleplay, for instance, by incorporating chores. Placing Jane in the mindset of a naughty maid by making her clean the house with a short, flouncy dress. That her bare skin underneath is vulnerable to my caresses works wonder. At the end of the day, she somehow misses a spot or two.
4. Aftercare and subdrop
Enough about foreplay. Postplay is just as important, or aftercare in kink parlance.
Aftercare is the period after the scene ends. Often, a sub experiences subdrop, especially after a particularly intense scene.
Like regular sex, we get a high while becoming drained and satisfied generally. The scientific explanation is the influence of hormones post-coital, including oxytocin (the love hormone), endorphin, testosterone and estrogen.
Unlike regular sex, subs may experience more complex raw emotions after bdsm play.
A sub may be left in pain after a whipping session.
A sub may be left in orgasm denial, grasping the peak but never cresting it.
A sub may have been bound up for an hour or two, even feeling some discomfort after being pushed to the limits.
Unsurprisingly, a sub (even doms!) may experience strong raw emotions after playing. Doms should be aware that new subs are particularly susceptible to this.
Subdrop is associated with a multitude of behaviours. They include:
- A feeling of loneliness
Making things more complicated, your sub may describe subdrop through complex, and at times conflicting, feelings, including happiness, satisfaction, exhaustion, pain, moral anxiety and confusion.
It is imperative for any dom to be prepared for this. A dom plays a big role in taking care of the sub, as well as guiding him/her.
There is no one prescriptive medicine, but many things alleviate the drop.
- Take care of his/her physical needs with water and food, even some treats.
- Wash up and soothe them. Try some calming oil.
- Satisfy their emotional needs through cuddles, hugs and reassurance.
- Go beyond the kink. After a session, interact with them as a significant other/friend.
- Be prepared for subdrops 10 minutes, an hour or even days later. Even if you can’t be present physically, a reassuring voice on the phone definitely helps!
All in all, subdrops, aftercare and the other boring responsibilities before and after sex is an essential part of being a good dom and creating a healthy relationship, even if it is a short term one.
Treat your sub as you would like any other lady/guy and the relationship will be all the more fulfilling.
Aftercare is a big topic, which I may devote a post to.
Share if you like this, comment if I’ve missed anything!