“Do you get to have sex anytime you want?”
“Is Jane always tied up at home?”
“Do you carry a whip with you?”
While Jane and I avoid having our dom-sub lifestyle be the focal point of our relationship status, sometimes our kinks leak out. And when it does, we have to prepare for a barrage of questions. A central theme is how much of our life and relationship is dominated by this lifestyle.
The answers invariably disappoints by how boring they are. No, no and no. We have sex when both of us are in the mood, Jane is allowed to do anything she wants at home and I do not walk around with a whip.
So for those just stepping into the lifestyle and wondering how a kinky-girlfriend-sub relationship works, allow me to shed some light.
Dom-sub relationship can be classified by time, ranging from roleplay to a full-on, always-in-bondage, no-freedom-allowed sub — although I have never seen or heard of the latter.
Most kinky couples start small and progress over time, much like the progression from a first date to marriage. Where you end is up to you and your partner; communication is key.
The shortest in length, but not necessarily the least in intensity. This is where most doms and subs start, by adding a little spice to the sex.
Whether you call him ‘Sir’ in the heat of the moment, become a misbehaving student during sex or are a flirtatious single lady for the night (remember Phil and Claire in that Valentine episode of Modern Family?) , this is a great way to try out bondage, exhibitionism, painplay or whatever kink you have.
Surprisingly, these can also be the most intense. Due to their short nature, you can really go wild and roleplay to your heart’s (and your excitable parts) content. Something about the ‘what happens in this roleplay, stays in this roleplay’ aspect of it allows the imagination to gush wild. In a longer kinky relationship, there are ups and downs, but in roleplay, you can make it so that there are only ups.
This was how we started. I will always remember her starting as a shy slave when we went for drinks.
2. Vacation sub
As the name implies, this type of play is like taking a vacation for a week. Except the vacation is taking a break from your usual couple routines to trying out the kinky lifestyle.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of this play also takes place during an actual vacation, when you are have more freedom to explore and fool around.
Usually, both of you agree on a duration and role that both of you will play. It is also a great introduction into what a full-time dom-sub lifestyle entails – hint: it is more tiring than you think.
Clothing optional (Source: Albert Yam from Wikimedia Commons)
For a little more fun, why not check into some adults-only resorts? Places like Temptation Cancun Resort and Caliente Resorts often have clothing-optional events, with some allowing you to go free at all times.
Unfortunately for us in Asia, such places are more difficult to find. Chan Resort in Pattaya, Thailand and Bali au Naturel in Bali, Indonesia are promising places to step into some play. There’s nothing like letting the sun warm up your sensitive nipples that are still tingling from the icy ocean, before lying on the sand, free and carefree.
Sexual activities are still not allowed, keep the sexy times to your room!
3. Kinky couple
This is where most of those who call themselves dom or subs are. Your kinky fantasies become more than just fleeting fantasies, they become a lifestyle. For us at least, this is the ideal zone between our sexual and non-sexual life.
This is not to say that your dom or sub status needs to occupy a large part of life. Much like vegetarians or going green, our kinky desires are things we base decisions on, but in actuality, we spend only 10% of our time thinking about them.
Also, this doesn’t mean that Jane has no freedom whatsoever, or I have total control over her. Where the submissive and dominant part of your relationship start and where it ends is hard to define. There is only 1 way to find out and maintain a healthy relationship: open communication.
Common questions are about clothes. Does Jane go naked? Do I control what she wears? What she buys?
Well, I play a big role in what she wears, sometimes. For work, she dresses as she knows best. But when it’s time for TGIF drinks, I usually suggest what she should wear or how she can surprise me. She can ignore them of course. And maybe I will use that ignoring to punish her a little more after drinks. But the power is ultimately given to her with safewords.
Another is sex. This aspect is easier, for us at least. Sex only happens when both of us are in the mood. We can tease each other to suss out the mood, but the other can stop at any time. When we go out, I do so like to get her raring and horny by pushing her out without bra and panties. She protests, but her little smile tells me the truth.
This is where every couple is different. You have to sit down with them and have an actual discussion. I will advise you not to do it right before, during or after sex. Instead, make it like a discussion about finances or children or what have you. Make sure you are both relaxed, not distracted, have ample time to talk things through.
4. Full-time slave/dom?
I don’t know if this is an actual category, having never seen it. But this is what most people imagine a kinky couple to be.
Some submissive who is always naked, handcuffed, has no free will, forced to do what master commands even if she is not willing to.
Fifty Shades of Grey is an example of this, in which it resembles more an abusive relationship than a romantically kinky one. Ana is emotionally threatened often, her wishes subverted without any option for leaving. When she does, she is stalked and intimidated.
The truth is that most kinky partners are happy and free. Free to explore their sexuality, free to have honest discussions and free to express themselves as they see fit.
So there you have it, I hope this sheds some light on what a healthy relationship between a submissive and dominant couple is. Hopefully, it sheds some light too. Let me know if I’ve missed anything!