5 Tips to Explore Kinky Fantasies with Your Vanilla Partner

We all have that feeling, no matter if it’s a new or mature relationship. The thought of revealing your innermost desires can be a daunting one.  Whether it’s telling your boyfriend he can (and should) choke you, or convincing your girlfriend that she looks amazing in that silky blindfold.

So here are some tips for you to broach this forbidden subject to your Vanilla Other in an accepting, tactful manner.

Slow and sensual

The key to everything, is of course, to start slow. It is such a fundamental key that it bears repeating. If you leap in headfirst, you could smash your chance of exploring some kinks forever.

Don’t put the horse before the cart. A gradual pace of exploring each other is better than a one-off fun but leaves the other partner intimidated, or worse, questioning your morals.

One way to start slow is break it down. Think of the smallest action that aligns with your desires.

If you like being choked, it is having hands on your neck.

If you like being whipped, light smacks on the thighs evoke the same sentiments but not the same aversion.

If you like a slave, order her to do innocuous tasks.

If you like roleplaying, call them ‘Sir’ or ‘Mr’ or ‘Miss’ in bed.

Pop culture

I love Fifty Shades of Gray, bad writing be damned. It is a beautiful time when bondage and submission becomes part of pop culture.

Strike while the iron is hot! This is a decade of expression, of seemingly forbidden relationships entering the masses’ consciousness, with Twilight and Fifty Shades displayed openly in stores.

Living in self-conscious and conservative Singapore, this is a godsend. It evades the question of ‘why are you talking about theses’ and ‘how did you find out about these’ and goes straight into the topic of ‘this is what it is’.

Take your Vanilla Other to the movies or bookstores or DVD store and you can broach your BDSM thoughts easily. You don’t even have to seem knowledgeable, just start all sentences with ‘isn’t it interesting how..’

For a more intimate experience, get a copy of Fifty Shades and put it by the bed. Admit you are curious about its status. Cuddle up, read a few (pre-selected) chapters and bam, transcend ordinary cuddling into kinky foreplay.

Digital pop culture

Again, pop culture saves the day.

Apps like Tinder and Ashley Madison are forefront of everyone’s mind. So talking about sex through apps is more easily accepted now. Apps are also easier to download.

Ignorance can be helpful; pretend you are download some apps for couples for fun. If your Vanilla Other doesn’t seem receptive, just delete it in front of them. No muse, no fuss.

Bliss is a personal favourite of mine. It combines a simple couple board game interface with dares – some kinky, some ordinarily sexual. The app, unlike many adult apps, “emphasizes romance and intimacy rather than blatant sexuality.” It is interesting for its choice of personalities, you can be shy or tenacious, end the game at a warm glow or heated experience.

Truth or Dare for Couples has interesting questions for couples. It has a good mix of silliness and emotions. The progression of questions mimics closely our heartfelt talk about sexuality – from bumbling shyness to loving acceptance to raw emotions.

To be a sub, you must first dominate

For subs, take the lead! Sometimes, you have to throw your submissive side into the wind and be a dominant, at least for a while.

It can be embarrassing (and not in the arousing way!) to admit your deepest desires. But if you have a truly supportive partner, they won’t damage your relationship just because of how you feel. In fact, how a partner responds to your kink of BDSM can be a good test of his/her suitability.

So, be brazen and wear your sexiest bra.

Instead of asking him to choke you, grab his hands and do what excites you most.

Restraint yourself. Grab the the windows bar, tell him he can do whatever he wants. Let him pound you hard, spank you raw. Don’t let go the entire way. Beg him to let you go after. He will get the idea.

Flaunt it if you are into it

Being bold leads into this tip. That is, be bold and display your kink openly and without shame.

Like the tip above, how he reacts is a good indicator of the strength of the relationship. A supportive partner will support you and learn more before judging.

But isn’t taking it slow and flaunting it a paradox? How can you do both?

Well, in this case, start slow and show off some vanilla toys. Vibrators, lubes, a lacy blindfold, silk cloths to bind you are the best options. Don’t go straight to dildos or cock cages!

Put a vibrator and some lube by the bedside. Let your actions do the talking. Put lube on his fingers. Get him to finger you. Give him the vibrator.

Really, I can’t imagine anyone being shocked by this.

pink cute vibrator

A cute vibrator. (Source: Wikimedia Commons)

So I hope this gives you an idea of how to start talking about our most hidden of topics – what do we like sexually.

If you are interested, these are from my personal experiences. Yup, I used all these tips to talk about sex to my girlfriend. Back then, she was as innocent as a schoolgirl. I was just as afraid to talk to her about my kinks as she was about yours. But it was a worthy struggle. Our relationship has only been better since.

I told her that I was curious about Fifty Shades and was watching it. I was a dom in bed, but always checked to see if she was alright. Massages and fun apps to try were freely available.

When she saw a vibrator, she was less afraid than curious, knowing that I was willing to be judged but not ashamed about my interests. In return, she was more trusting and willing to open up!

Share if you agree, let me know if I’ve missed anything!

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